Untitled. Collage by jparadisi 2004

Sometimes when I’m alone, I Google myself.

This week, I sat up fully erect in my chair, surprised to find a Yahoo Shine blog with my name and Gravatar. Harder to swallow is that the bogus JParadisi RN blog  is a sex advice blog. (Cut and paste this link into your browser if you want to see it for yourself. http://shine.yahoo.com/blogs/author/jparadisirn-ycn-1205337/ ) It’s not my blog. I don’t think I have a Yahoo account. A JParadisi RN imposter created one, and I do not have password access.

I felt ashamed. Searching Yahoo for a way to report the hijack left me spent. I wanted that stain of a blog wiped from the web.

Pondering this cyber ménage à trio between Yahoo, a hacker, and myself, I reconsidered. I asked myself, “How many opportunities does a nurse blogger get to write sex posts, which are not clinically motivated?”

Nada.

In an orgasm of insight, I heard the voice of Kenny Bania, that annoying, fictional comic friend of Jerry Seinfeld’s, telling me, “That’s gold, Jerry, gold!”

So I went back to the fake JParadisi RN sex advice blog, and started reading. The posts are mostly submissive, with jparadisirn by lines, and titles such as:

• 20 Lovemaking Secrets That Are Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life
• 13 Sex Secrets Men Don’t Know About Women
• 10 Things Women Shouldn’t Worry About In Bed
• 5 Moves That Make You Look Bad In Bed (apparently there are at least 5 things you should worry about in bed)

Afterwards, I was left unfulfilled. I think the fake blog makes me sound frumpy. For example, in

20 Lovemaking Secrets That Are Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life,

bogus JParadisi RN offers this gobbet of advice:

You do not have to get dressed up as a nurse or anything. Just act out a fantasy where you pretend to be someone else.

Sexy nurse reference aside (Readers, I hear your collective groan), if I were the author of this post, I would tell you ladies to save your money. Men already want to have sex with you, they really do. Role playing, sexy lingerie, candles, whatever, serve one purpose for men. They are visual cues telling him YOU want sex, and he doesn’t have to do anything except show up. That’s why you get such an excited response from him: ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SHOW UP, because you want him, and that’s a turn on. Test it. Sit down on the sofa next to him and put your foot on his knee, wiggle it, and giggle. See what happens. It’s that simple. Besides, really nice sexy lingerie is expensive. If you’re doing it right, 15 minutes after you put it on it will lay shredded on the floor. Save your money.

Another post,

How to Know If Your Husband is Cheating Again

This post is clearly not written by moi. Fake JParadisi RN replies with information about spy software a wife (or girlfriend) can install that lets her track her husband’s cell phone calls and Internet activity. Me, the REAL JParadisi RN, finds this pathetic. First of all, the title: How to Know If Your Husband is Cheating Again. Again? What do you mean, AGAIN? Okay, I know there are all types of relationships out there, and monogamy is not on everyone’s priority list, but if it’s on yours, then there is NO AGAIN. If you catch him cheating, change the locks and move his sh*#t into the driveway. Pin a flame retardant note to the smoldering pile that reads, “Hope you can find something with the Occupy Movement, cuz you don’t live HERE no more!” Again, save your money, and your dignity.

Speaking of dignity: I don’t have immediate plans to defend mine from the hacker blogger. My relationship with my family, friends, and employer, and their intelligence is such that no one I care about will believe the fake JParadisi RN sex advice blog is mine. That someone would do such a thing says far worse about that person than it will ever say about me.  Beyond hacking my blog handle, the posts are stolen from other bloggers and websites. Somewhere a blogger(s) goes unrecognized for his or her work. Blogging is hard, and often uncompensated work.The pirating of these posts is appalling.

Someone has said, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” Maybe so, but it is surely travelled by the feet of those with bad intentions.

*Note: I am not a qualified counselor. The information in this post is not advice, merely my personal opinion.